The Day I Don’t Want to End

The Day I ~~Don’t~~ Want to End

I have recently started to see a therapist again. It isn’t scary, but it is a little awkward. I have the tendency to overthink, then overthink again for good measure. I call overthinking my superpower because not much can surprise me or throw me off my square. However, this superpower does come with some setbacks—anxiety, for one, and the other is that it drains me to near-exhaustion every week. I am a strong person, but even I can’t handle thinking about 100 things a day, all of them seeming to me like they are on high alert.

It’s hard to explain but it feels like when you are at work and you have a to-do list. There are 10 things on the list, and all can be completed before 5pm. So you start working, and you get two done. But then your boss comes over and makes a disappointed look at the work you have just completed, but they don’t say anything. You begin to worry and double-check your work. Just then a coworker shows up at your desk needing help, and you don’t want to be rude so you offer to help them, but your work that you were double-checking is still on your mind. Then out of nowhere your boss moves up the deadline for four projects to be completed by noon today.

It’s 11 am.

You feel overwhelmed with your responsibilities, but this is your job and you’re supposed to be competent enough to complete some simple tasks, never mind that you are trying your best.

That’s my mind 24/7.

I am supposed to be competent enough to be an adult and handle the simple tasks to stay alive. But my mind—the boss—is always second-guessing me and the decisions I make. To make simple decisions requires a great deal of thought for me. Nevertheless I push forward, reassuring myself that I am enough.

I am worthwhile.

I am smart.

I am enough.