Depression & Me

There are times when I feel like I am walking on water. I don’t have a care in the world. Wind in my hair. My hair lightly tickling my face ever so gently. The sun, kissing my brown skin, slowly warming me up.

I am weightless.

I am free from all pain. I no longer have to fight mental health battles, family issues, nor the internal dialog that never seems to end.  I can run without pain. I can dance again. I can draw again.

I have the desire to live again.

Where did that go?

I don’t have to go back to the hospital. I don’t need to worry about paying a bill that will drain all of me. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. I don’t feel the need to scream. I am at peace. I don’t feel this often, and when I do it seems to me to be too short.

I dream about these moments where my mind is clear.

But, eventually I wake up.

And I stop and think. Maybe this is why I hate being awake for the first 5 minutes of the day. Why would I want to leave my warm blankets? They don’t ask for anything. They don’t pressure me. There’s no need to worry.

Was I always afraid? Where is my safe place?

I look inside myself searching in the seemingly endless abyss of opportunity. Where are the clear cut answers I desperately need? What do I need to do so that my life stops becoming one fuck-up after another?

I’ve decided to live for me. I want this dream to be my reality. 

Won’t you join me?

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